Wednesday, August 22, 2012

2 Week Wait

Then next 10 days are pure torture.  10 days till I can find out if the latest round of fertility treatments actually worked. 

I've experience the 10 day wait many times.  12 times a year for the past 5 years (and that's just the time spent actively trying. I'm not including the years that I just didn't use birth control and didn't care either way) adds up.  But for some reason it never gets any easier. 

Every little cramp makes me think it's implantation.  Every time I want to throw up (probably from stress) I wonder if its the start of morning sickness.  Each time I want to snap at an innocent passerby (perhaps the start of pregnancy hormones?), I wonder.  Acid reflux?  A symptom of pregnancy.  Tender breast?  That's the first symptom most women notice.  Unfortunately, these are also symptoms of starting your period, so there is no way to knowing yet.  Hence, the horrible 10 day wait.

I know the waiting game is stressful for any couple trying to conceive, but the longer you struggle with infertility, the worst the wait gets.  People are so quick to offer advice "just be patient" or, "if it doesn't work this time, just try again next month, its fun"  Yeah, sex started out as fun and still is; except for ovulation week.  Ovulation week I am insane.  Mikey has a very low sperm count and I"ve only got one working Fallopian tube, so timing is critical. I have to pee on a stick for two weeks after I start my new cycle and when the two dark blue lines appear, its go time. Nothing gets in the way.  Mikey's sick, I tell him to take some meds.  He's not in the mood?  I don't mind getting creative. (due to the fact my parents are reading this blog,  I'm not going to give details)  Wanna know?  Just ask me.  I come with references. LOL.  I feel bad for Mikey that week because due to his low sperm count, we have to ensure he has the maximum sperm available.  The guide lines are pretty strict in how to do this  No ejaculation 4 days prior to ovulation.  've got a pretty good idea what day my ovulation falls on, so I know when to cut Mikey off, but no hanky pany on the side .  I've been told by numerous men that this is difficult.  And that happens to poor Mikey one day a week, for the past 5 years.  Also, no caffeine or wearing tight underwear or pants.  Also avoid stress.  I always wonder how, outside of smoking pot constantly, one is supposed to avoid stress. It's a part of life.

You'd think after so long dealing with infertility, I'd learn to stop getting my hopes up, but I don't.  That little part of me that still believes in unicorns never dies.  Most of the time, this is a character trait is the one I value most, but when it comes to fertility treatments it's my Achilles heel. Each cycle I tell myself things will be different.  The treatment will work, the doctor is wrong in saying that full on IVF is our only option, God will grant me a miracle since I've been patient so long, the list just keeps growing.  The devastation of the negative test is like a knife in the heart and it's not something that everyone understands.  "Be patient" or " my friend/sister/family member/or random person went through this and got pregnant as soon as they stopped trying" is the WORST advice to give to a infertile women.  The reason being is, whoever got pregnant wasn't truly dealing with actually infertility(it can take a couple with no fertility issues about 12-24 months to conceive or they had a major miracle.  It's called a miracle because that doesn't happen much.  I'm the rule, not the exception, as are most infertile individuals.  Despite this knowledge, after a week of mourning, I'm back and ready to do another round, convinced that "this time will be different"

Infertility/pregnancy is a huge factor in my life.  My job requires daily involvement with single parents, many of whom are pregnant and have young children.  Thankfully I've always felt of my customers as "my children" so dealing with them doesn't present an issue with me, but I know it has been difficult for co-workers dealing with infertility.  It affects friendships, relationships with family, and my marriage.  I'm extremely grateful that my optimism helps me rebound, but sometimes, even that isn't enough and I cry in the shower or into my pillow when the hurt gets to bad.  I know friends have suffered from this same condition, but so far, all but one has still managed to conceive biological children.  I know that one day, this couple will conceive and I'll walking the road again alone.  This is the reason I'm writing about infertility.  I feel that up to this point, I have been needed as emotional support for people and one of the reason God has give me this as a trial.  This is the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes.

Mikey's had a rough time with infertility as well.  Its a blow on a man's pride when he is unable to father a child and we've spent years in counseling dealing with these issues and the hurt on both ends. With the the severity of Mikey's issue, the doctors have informed us that realistically we would need to try IVF, but our money tree died and I can't go back and collect the $15000 needed for a money back guarantee attempt.  Without the guarantee, the cost is still $10000, if I'm spending my money, I'm getting it back if the IVF treatment is unsuccessful. 

Another thing that REALLY sucks when you are infertile is a miscarriage.  Enough said.

Sorry to ramble on, but I've got 10 days to kill.

Next up is how infertility affected my marriage and a few of the people I love most in the word.  Some of those relationships I have damaged beyond all hopes of repair, but its a good learning experience.  Wish with all my soul I could change the things that have happened, but I know I've grown a lot as a person and really had to reassess my values.  Once again, hard things have proven to be a blessing in disguise, lame but true. 

1 comment:

  1. Keeping fingers crossed for you Maren, you will be an amazing mother!