My Stories

Blog update: 

So I decided to make a list of all my most embarrassing moments over the past 15 years.  I figure I could make an HBO series or something.  Or write a book. 

-Rollerblading into a coke machine in the Harmon’s parking lot at 16 years old because I was staring at the extremely attractive guy collecting carts.

-Forgetting to put my car in park and driving into a gas station pump.  Thankfully still in high school when I managed this genius move.

-Kicked Mike (my husband) in the head when he proposed because I thought he was kidding.

-Attended a “slumber party” with co-workers and friends.  Most of us were geniuses and went out back to try out a product.  Unfortunately, we all went together.

-Fell asleep on the floor of my brother’s coffee shop and drooled all over.  It wouldn’t have been so bad if the delivery guy hadn’t shown up.

-Shoved one of my best friends into a spider so it could eat her while I ran away.

-Unbuttoned a co-worker’s pants when her fingers were broken.  She seemed like she needed the help.

-Grew out my arm pit hair in a contest to see who could grow the longest in the office. 

-Conducted a “Toga Party” in a friends house and informed all the guest that you can’t wear pants to a real Toga party. 

-Invented “Interpretive Scarf Dancing”.  This lovely form of dance involves waving various fabrics around and roping people watching.

-Swore very loudly at work when a fake spider was dropped on my head. 

-Unzipped my husband’s pants with my toe in front of friends because no one thought I could do it.  Defiantly didn’t think that one through!!

-Tried to show up my awesome skateboarding moves and ollied my board off a 6-foot cement wall. 

-Forgot to take my keys out of the ignition and left my car running for 5 hours.

-Seriously considered getting “bittersweet symphony” tattooed on my wrists.

-Ran around and kissed all my friends on the neck/cheek/lips one night.
-Streaked down the street in a quite retirement area
-Attempted to teach Kacey's dog Yoga
-Preformed Swan Lake with no ballet training while knocking over all the furniture in a friends living room
-Substitute vodka for water in a brownie recipie.  Pretty lucky we didn't blow up the oven.
-Ran up and down park city main street throwing leaves screaming that it was fall.

If you can think of any more, add em’. 

When it comes to medical procedures, men have it WAY easier than women.

Mike and I are trying another IUI (turkey baster) today.  Hopefully this one works and the next time I blog I will be pregnant.  But really, probably not.

So anyway, Mike and I were discussing the medical procedures that we have endured so far in our attempts to conceive.  Normally, trying to get pregnant is quite a fun process, but when you have fertility issues, it turns into one big overshare.  Mike feels that he has endured the most humiliating procedures, but I know I’m the winner.

Yes, Mike is handed a cup and sent to a private room, but at least his part is private!  Granted, there are a few doctor’s at the Tanner Clinic he probably will never see again as a result of some additional testing (lumps, but he’s fine), but I’ve got a whole hospital that I’m never going to again since the entire radiology staff gathered around for an up close and personal show.  Apparently the HSG test is quite the uncommon procedure at Davis.  Or they needed something to talk about in the break room. 

The HSG test isn’t the only humiliating procedure I endured.  There’s the check for endometriosis (where the Dr. shoves their entire hand inside and starts poking around) and all the extremely personal questions regarding past activities and partners.

Now onto the actual insemination.  Yes, Mike has to go in his little room, but my part is pretty much like the video we viewed in High School about cows on a dairy farm.  Not a pretty picture.  It doesn’t help that Mike is sitting around smirking since this whole thing was my idea.

Women who have children laugh as I whine and tell me it’s only going to get worse.

Reality. It'll slap you in the face.

So we tried IUI (the turkey baster/cow approach) last month and it didn’t work.  I can honestly say it was the second most devastating thing in my life.  My eyes were swollen for two days from crying, something that has never happened before.  I even missed a day of work cause I couldn’t face coming and seeing all the mom’s I’m surrounded by each and every day. 

Poor Mike has been wonderful though it all.  I’m so grateful that he never once has blamed me or said anything negative at all.  He’s been so supportive and positive.  He’s one in a million.  People have asked me if Mike is being nice to me about the infertility thing.  It makes me laugh because they actually seem concerned that he would be angry at me.  I don’t even think it’s in his nature to get mad about something like that.

I wonder if I would be so sensitive if I didn’t work with single parents.  It’s a mixed blessing I guess.  It hurts hearing about their families, especially those who had a child “by accident”; but at the same time, I feel like they are my adopted kids and take joy in their success.  So for the most part, my job helps heal some of the hurt by providing me with surrogate children.

Friends are another mixed blessing.

 I have some amazing friends and family.  Each of them have endured their own set of trials and have taught me so much about life and tenacity.  I’m so grateful for you all and know that you want only the best for me.  I only want the best for you too.

At times, I know many friends struggle to understand what I (and some other friends dealing with infertility go through).  I know that newly pregnant friends just want to share their joy, and can’t understand why we pull away at times.  It’s not that we aren’t happy for them (Truly, I can say that all the girls I know dealing with infertility are thrilled for their friends who become pregnant), but having a constant reminder of their ability to bear children, is painful. We don’t expect you worry about our feelings, that’s not your responsibility, but do respect our right to temporarily take ourselves out of a painful situation. 

For a vivid comparison, think of it like a surgery incision.  If you constantly pick at it, there is no way it can heal and the infection that grows can be life threatening.  Even when it heals on the surface, there is a wound underneath that can take years to heal, and if it’s poked and prodded enough, the wound can re open.  Constant conversation about babies and pregnancy, even with the best intent, picks at the scab.  Please, don’t stop talking and being happy to accommodate us.  We don’t expect the world to revolve around our struggles, simply allow us the option to withdraw when it becomes too painful.  Don’t take it personally, because it’s not about you.  In fact, we are thrilled for you.  The most wonderful thing we can imagine is happening for you!  If we pull away, it’s really not you; it’s that surgery incision flaring up.  Let us heal and not drag you down in your time of joy. 

I know you mean well with the comments of “Don’t worry, it will happen to you”, ect; but it doesn’t help.  Let’s be honest, it’s not going to happen for everyone and we have no way of knowing if we will be the miracle or the statistic.  Neither do you. We have to find our purpose, the reason we have this challenge, and that’s an individual journey.  It may take week or years, but it will be found and we can heal.  Just give us the time and space we need to get there, because I promise, when we arrive, it’s going to be amazing.

Currently, I’m alternating between denial and anger.  And that nagging little hope that sometimes I wish I could squash out.  Frankly, I know I’ve got a long shot of having a biological child.  And that’s going to have to be ok.  I know in the end, God will make it worth the wait and struggle.

Life Isn't Fair

This blog is not going to be particularly light hearted.  Fair warning before you proceed.  This is me venting my feelings and I'm not good about using a journal, so I figured sharing it on the Internet where random strangers can view is a good alternative.  Also, before I start, to my friends and family who are pregnant and/have children, please don't take this personally.  I love you all and am super happy for you.  Each one of you deserves the wonderful opportunity you have been given to be a parent.
That being said, I hate the fact I can't get pregnant.  It isn't fair.  I hate the fact that at the end of  my story, no medication, surgery, praying, or pity is going to make me a mother.  I will have to rely on the kindness or irresponsibility of stranger (as well as a lot of money on my end) to become a parent.  It's not that I would sacrifice for this, I would give up anything in a heartbeat, but someone tell me how taking out a $20,000 loan for an adoption is going to help me become a better parent than say a drug addict with 5 kids she already doesn't care for?  I know I'm generalizing, and since you all know what I do for a living, this sounds a little harsh, and I really do believe people can change, yadda yadda yadda.  But please, tell me truely, where is the justice in this?  I am a responsible adult.  I have saved, have a good job, worked on developing a strong marriage, ect to prepare for a child, and I get squat.  I try to be a good person, care about others, all that good stuff.   But at the end of the day, it's just Mike and me in our house all alone.
We tried the foster care thing, but it's amazing how many things manged to go wrong in that month which kept us from finishing.  Mike and I will resume classes next time they are offered in our area, but that's at least 4 months out, not to mention the time that it will take to be placed with a child and at the rate things are going with Mike's job, we may not even be in UT at that time to finish the classes, which once again brings me back to the $20,000 a private adoption.

I love my nieces and nephews, but lets face it, it's not the same.  The one time it was close enough that I thought I could live with not being a mother, my niece was killed.  Once again, please shed some light on how that one is going to work out for the best or what the big purpose behind that was.
I'm sorry this is so negative.  I really don't ever talk about this and I promise this is the last time it will ever come up, but I just had to get this off my chest.  I've spent years sucking my feelings back and you know what?  It feels a lot better to get them out.

Foot Fungus

I think I have foot fungus.  I was sitting at work today wondering who had horrible B.O. then realized it was my feet.  I do have to say, they are particularly stinky today, not that I normally smell my feet, but occasionally whiffs drift upwards.  Don’t even pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about, this happens to everyone.

I think may have something to do with a pedicure I got 3 weeks ago.  Ever since then, there has been this little black bubble near the nail on my big toe. At first, I figured this was just a result of some of the glitter or adhesive that was used to stick all the glitter and goop onto my toe, but as the smell gets worse, I’m thinking it is some type of fungus.  I’ve tried clipping it off with clippers, rubbing medicated ointment on it, and washing it.  Nothing has worked so far. 

Yes, I know, that’s a disgusting over share, but you read it!!!

Butt Harness

Scout, Dori, Homer, Cheeto, Louie, and I have been watching the Dog Whisperer each night as we fall asleep.  Last night, Homer had the awesome idea to take the dogs rollerblading, something that Cesar does all the time to exercise his dogs.  Scout and Dori were into it, so today after work, Mikey and I harnessed up the dogs and went rollerblading while the cats watched from the window. 
I should have known this would be harder than it appeared on TV the moment I stood up.  Another sign was the fact that it took me 10 min to figure how to get down the 2 stairs outside my door without falling.  After a few minutes, I was able to blade in a ridiculous position (butt out, arms extended, head up). 
Dori was straining at her leash the entire time.  No matter how fast we were going, she wanted to go just a bit faster.  Keep in mind, she is a toy poodle who weighs maybe 5 lbs, but she was running full speed ahead of me yelling at all of us to hurry up.
Scout brought up the rear.  This is an unusual position for Scout.  He's the dog who is constantly yapping at anyone withing hearing range to run and play with him.  He can't get enough walks and sometimes, late at night, I wake up to the creepy sight of Scout starring at me from about an inch away telepathically informing me he wants to go on a walk RIGHT then. 
Mike is in awesome shape, so he was getting pretty tired of holding back for Scout and me.  We managed to make it about 2 and a half miles before the dogs and I were both done.  Dori tried super hard to keep going, but Scout and I had enough.  Mike was literally dragging Scout at one point since he refused to move forward.  In the end, he rigged a type of butt harness that pulled Scout along by pushing his butt.  I've decided that I need one for our next exercise adventure. 
I could see the cat's laughing in the window as we returned. Obviously they had some alterer motive for getting us out of the house.  I bet they threw up on something.  If I come to work with a hairball on my shirt, will someone please tell me?

Snakes of Summer

Summer has returned to Syracuse.  The grass is green, tulips are blooming, birds are singing…. And the summer snakes have returned.

I went to go get the mail yesterday and while trekking through our long grass, a light rustling of grass right by my foot caught my attention.  When I looked down, there was a 2 foot long garden snake by my foot.  I leaped one way with a piercing scream while the snake slithered off quickly in another direction, about as scared of me as I was of it.  However, this was not to be the end of my ordeal. 

As I ran quickly to the mailbox where the grass is virtually non existent and I can see my feet, I picked up a few rocks to defend myself with.  (Keep in mind, my husband is watching all this laughing)  The snake had settled down a ways and was sunning itself on the street.  Since I didn’t want it coming back into my yard, I started throwing the rocks at it.  I have a terrible aim however so the rocks didn’t come anywhere close to the snake, but as I didn’t want the snake in my yard, I needed to come up with another way to get rid of it. 

I debated getting the shovel off my front porch and chopping it up (a move I have seen my dad do several times), but this wasn’t practical as it would involve a venture through the grass again potentially startling more snakes while turning my back on the large snake on the road.  Another option was to grab the snake and throw it.  So not going to happen, neither was running at the snake to scare it.  I finally decided to grab a large tree branch and attempt to beat the snake with it till it ran away and told all it’s snakey friends about the crazy lady living in the little white house.  I picked up the tree branch, walked towards the snake and took a few practice swipes.  Then the strangest thing happened.  Suddenly I felt bad for the snake.  Sure, it had scared me and I still didn’t like it, and sure, if I didn’t kill it, the snake would probably move back into my yard, but it was still a living creature. 

Long story short, the snake is still alive.  But hopefully it will tell all it’s little snakey friends about my random act of kindness and they will stay out of my house this year