Tuesday, August 23, 2011

When it comes to medical procedures, men have it WAY easier than women.

Mike and I are trying another IUI (turkey baster) today.  Hopefully this one works and the next time I blog I will be pregnant.  But really, probably not.

So anyway, Mike and I were discussing the medical procedures that we have endured so far in our attempts to conceive.  Normally, trying to get pregnant is quite a fun process, but when you have fertility issues, it turns into one big overshare.  Mike feels that he has endured the most humiliating procedures, but I know I’m the winner.

Yes, Mike is handed a cup and sent to a private room, but at least his part is private!  Granted, there are a few doctor’s at the Tanner Clinic he probably will never see again as a result of some additional testing (lumps, but he’s fine), but I’ve got a whole hospital that I’m never going to again since the entire radiology staff gathered around for an up close and personal show.  Apparently the HSG test is quite the uncommon procedure at Davis.  Or they needed something to talk about in the break room. 

The HSG test isn’t the only humiliating procedure I endured.  There’s the check for endometriosis (where the Dr. shoves their entire hand inside and starts poking around) and all the extremely personal questions regarding past activities and partners.

Now onto the actual insemination.  Yes, Mike has to go in his little room, but my part is pretty much like the video we viewed in High School about cows on a dairy farm.  Not a pretty picture.  It doesn’t help that Mike is sitting around smirking since this whole thing was my idea.

Women who have children laugh as I whine and tell me it’s only going to get worse.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Reality. It'll slap you in the face.

So we tried IUI (the turkey baster/cow approach) last month and it didn’t work.  I can honestly say it was the second most devastating thing in my life.  My eyes were swollen for two days from crying, something that has never happened before.  I even missed a day of work cause I couldn’t face coming and seeing all the mom’s I’m surrounded by each and every day. 

Poor Mike has been wonderful though it all.  I’m so grateful that he never once has blamed me or said anything negative at all.  He’s been so supportive and positive.  He’s one in a million.  People have asked me if Mike is being nice to me about the infertility thing.  It makes me laugh because they actually seem concerned that he would be angry at me.  I don’t even think it’s in his nature to get mad about something like that.

I wonder if I would be so sensitive if I didn’t work with single parents.  It’s a mixed blessing I guess.  It hurts hearing about their families, especially those who had a child “by accident”; but at the same time, I feel like they are my adopted kids and take joy in their success.  So for the most part, my job helps heal some of the hurt by providing me with surrogate children.

Friends are another mixed blessing.

 I have some amazing friends and family.  Each of them have endured their own set of trials and have taught me so much about life and tenacity.  I’m so grateful for you all and know that you want only the best for me.  I only want the best for you too.

At times, I know many friends struggle to understand what I (and some other friends dealing with infertility go through).  I know that newly pregnant friends just want to share their joy, and can’t understand why we pull away at times.  It’s not that we aren’t happy for them (Truly, I can say that all the girls I know dealing with infertility are thrilled for their friends who become pregnant), but having a constant reminder of their ability to bear children, is painful. We don’t expect you worry about our feelings, that’s not your responsibility, but do respect our right to temporarily take ourselves out of a painful situation. 

For a vivid comparison, think of it like a surgery incision.  If you constantly pick at it, there is no way it can heal and the infection that grows can be life threatening.  Even when it heals on the surface, there is a wound underneath that can take years to heal, and if it’s poked and prodded enough, the wound can re open.  Constant conversation about babies and pregnancy, even with the best intent, picks at the scab.  Please, don’t stop talking and being happy to accommodate us.  We don’t expect the world to revolve around our struggles, simply allow us the option to withdraw when it becomes too painful.  Don’t take it personally, because it’s not about you.  In fact, we are thrilled for you.  The most wonderful thing we can imagine is happening for you!  If we pull away, it’s really not you; it’s that surgery incision flaring up.  Let us heal and not drag you down in your time of joy. 

I know you mean well with the comments of “Don’t worry, it will happen to you”, ect; but it doesn’t help.  Let’s be honest, it’s not going to happen for everyone and we have no way of knowing if we will be the miracle or the statistic.  Neither do you. We have to find our purpose, the reason we have this challenge, and that’s an individual journey.  It may take week or years, but it will be found and we can heal.  Just give us the time and space we need to get there, because I promise, when we arrive, it’s going to be amazing.

Currently, I’m alternating between denial and anger.  And that nagging little hope that sometimes I wish I could squash out.  Frankly, I know I’ve got a long shot of having a biological child.  And that’s going to have to be ok.  I know in the end, God will make it worth the wait and struggle.